It has just occurred to me that there are just too many objects staying on the ground. The theory of gravity can't possibly account for all of them. And, anything that strong and versatile to hold down big things and small, heavy and light...how could I ever muster the strength to get off the ground (albeit barely) when I jump? I have developed a new theory called the intelligent magnet. Only an all-knowing, all-powerful benevolent being could pull off this trick of keeping us close but letting us experience slight freedom.
Also, saving that, we may just be brains in vats imagining this whole thing.
Or, possibly, only I am real, imagining us all held down to the ground.
I believe that all of these alternate theories should be taught in science classrooms. Let the children decide.
That's about how much sense intelligent designers make. Last week, I found out from a biology professor at my own school, writing a letter to the editor in the Tennessean (scroll down to find it), that biologists have been lying to us, and confess their sins only to each other:
In their more frank moments, fellow biologists who dismiss intelligent design will admit that random mutations acted upon by natural selection are just insufficient to account for the diversity of life, past and present. From a strictly scientific viewpoint, the theory of evolution does not deserve privileged status.I suppose they partake in these frank moments at private biologist meetings, where they are fed grapes and given hot oil massages by the world's sexiest models, believing them to be gods. Why else would they keep their big lie such a secret?
They might as well come clean: if it weren't for the hot babes, secretly worshipping them, they could be honest about their misgivings over evolution. In that event, they could also get around, finally, to forwarding my theory that I am actually in control of all things. Or we could just all agree to relegate the intelligent creator theory and other ontological questions in philosophy and religion classes along with the brains-in-vats discussions, where they usefully belong.
[UPDATE: Commenter E. Michael points to another important theory, that of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Notice the helpful graph comparing the global temperature increase to the precipitous decline in the pirate population.]